I try to always be upbeat in life.. and on my blog.
However, I am human, I do feel down at times. Shocker, I know, um, I am a woman. So, in an effort to keep it real, I have decided to talk about something that has been on my mind, heart, um, hormones lately.
I have been going through an identity crisis off and on for a while. At times, I feel bored. Is it possible to be bored when you have a husband, kids, house, animals, church projects, etc. all depending on you? It is a different kind of bored, like my creativity is dwindling, that I need something new and different. Maybe I should apply for The Next Food Network Star, do you think they will let me use my smoke detector food timer?
Now, I know that I am doing exactly what I have been called to do, to be the wife of Big Buckaroo, the mom of my precious Little Buckaroo’s, our Family Manger, housekeeper, purchasing agent, teacher, well, the list goes on. But, I sometimes miss the excitement, travel, and accomplishment of working in Public Relations. I had worked real hard to get to the position where I was doing what I liked and doing it well. Deciding to become a stay-at-home mom was not a hard decision for me, and it has been the most rewarding thing I have done in my life. I would make the same choice every time if given the opportunity. So, sometimes I feel selfish for feeling this way. Can I hear a big “mom guilt”?
I identified myself for so long by my job and how well I did my job. I think at times I feel like I am not enough, I think many moms, working outside the home and at home feel this way. Mom guilt, yep, mom guilt.
I miss the spontaneous, ambitious, fairly intelligent woman I used to be. Now, of course, my wonderful husband thinks this is crazy, he is so wonderful at being supportive, understanding, lifting me up and mostly thankful for me taking care of our precious gifts. I know this is sickening people, but my husband is just incredible.
So, as I go through my perpetual identity crisis, I seek ways to quench my creative thirst, trying to identify my natural qualities and appreciate them as gifts. And, I will use my gifts in doing what I have been called to do and with a good attitude (I am convincing myself here).
Do any of you guys ever feel this way or am I a resident on identity crisis mom planet alone?
9 comments:
I can relate from my past, but I'll answer you privately on email.
Your head cheerleader,
Betty in OK
Who doesn't feel like that now and again? You are about as normal as normal gets. And refreshingly honest about how you feel.
Hallie :)
You aren't alone...all of my mom friends and I have this talk quite often. I have no answers though.
I UNDERSTAND!!! I was just talking about this... ***big sigh***
I can relate. I LOVE being a s.a.h.m., and wouldn't trade it for anything. But, at my outside job, I knew what to do, how to handle each crisis or dilemma, and I knew I did my job well. With motherhood, I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, going trial and error the whole way. And I get bored with having to cook three meals a day.
Ok, I feel the guilt. Mine is a little different yet the same. I work outside the home and feel guilty about it everyday. Right now, something at work has made me want to leave. Leave as quickly as possible. I am scared to death to do that, yet I want to so badly to be there for my kids. I also want to be able to use my creative side with my kids. Right now I don't have time to do that very often. Ok I will stop rambling now, but I feel you. :(
I think just about everyone wonders "what could have been if . . . " at various points in their llives - I bet a lot of people woudl trade situationswith you in a heartbeat and I thnk you have nothing to regret. The unexamined life is not worth living, remember!
Sometimes, we just need an outside force appreciating us. It is human, not good/or bad, just human. You are doing a wonderful job as a mom, wife, and friend, so it is ok to feel this way once in a while. Don't beat yourself up over it. What is wrong with seeing and wanting other things? Nothing, unless you act out selfishly and ungodly about it. Which you don't from what I can tell. It is ok to want to be the best we can possibly be and you have a very strong drive and heart, that is what makes you wonderful. Don't you want your children to strive and be the best they can be? Then you have to model that and you are. Oh I so admire you, your strength, your talents, your blessings, you are a very incredible person. I am very thankful and blessed for having met you. Take care and give yourself a break!
Funny thing is, I missed this post the other day, but last night I was thinking, "If someone read my blog they would think I have no life except my son." Then I thought, "Why does that bug me?" And THEN I thought, "Well, it sort of does, sort of doesn't...." and the thought process went on and on. I have lost me somewhere, and while it's ok, it's just wearing on me too. As he gets older though, I will tell you, it gets a bit easier.
I feel ok with letting go of little things, letting him grow more, letting him do more on his own, which gives me more time for me. That leads to the question though, who am I? Mom is the best answer, but yet, there's so much more... I hear ya sister, I hear ya.
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